Fast Forward

It has been a long time since I have written anything other than a research paper or meeting summary notes. Months, maybe even a year, have passed. Here is the brief synopsis:

Divorce. The loss of my one true love (and, no, I do not mean my ex husband, though I even find myself grieving him sometimes.) New job in a new town. New boyfriend with new triumphs and failures. New hair cut, which is menial but significant to my own recovery. Depression.

 Losing Alivia over and over again at the hands of both her biological parents has been devastating. She was used as a tool to manipulate and punish me, and it worked. Now, I find myself in this hole called depression, and I am desperately grasping at anything that I can use to pull myself out of it. I know the depths of this canyon, because I have been here before. I am unwilling to let myself fall into one its many crevasses as I have in the past. Hence, my writing resumes. My tales to find enlightenment, as a has-been stepmother, will carry on. There is hope that one day, a young woman in search of herself will reach out to someone she knows once tried to save her, someone she knows loves her without boundaries.

A Simple Trip to the Dentist

I watched the fear in my stepdaughter’s eyes yesterday afternoon as the dentist chair leaned back suddenly and quickly. She had no idea what an emergency root canal was or why she needed it, and an overwhelming feeling of anger rose inside of me: "I have to watch this eight year old child frightened and in pain because of her mother's negligence?"

When the tooth pain became apparent last weekend, my stepdaughter told me it was her wisdom teeth coming in at the ripe age of eight; her mother had informed her of this. When she opened her mouth wide to show me, though, I saw the rotting tooth in the back. Could her mother really be that uncaring? Maybe she is just lazy enough to ignore her child's pain. Nevertheless, I scheduled her dentist appointment for the earliest date that also happened to fall on one of her dad's placement days. I was not expecting my stepdaughter to keel over in pain in the dentist chair after they took the x-ray, and luckily, the dentist came in as she squirmed in discomfort. There was no beating around the bush, she needed a root canal because the baby tooth was not ready to come out, and they started right away.

It was mortifying watching this young child prepare herself for something I, myself, did not experience until I was in my twenties. It did not seem fair as she looked to me for explanation and comfort, her eyes wide with panic. She was brave, though, and I could not have been more proud of her level of obedience as the dentist told her to "open wide" and "bite down." I choked back tears of anger and guilt. Why should I feel guilty, though? Over the last two years, her dad and I have preached the importance of brushing and flossing, and we have done everything in our power to try to reverse the damage from her mother never having her daughter brush. When my stepdaughter was six years old, she did not know how to hold a toothbrush, and she made it very clear that she did not have one of her own at her mother's house. Now here we are, with a dentist bill, upcoming appointments for cleanings and fillings for the rest of those cavities she has, and the dentist said one of the other molars fell out prematurely, most likely due to a cavity that rotted the tooth. 

I feel angry for having been forced to watch my baby go through this because her mother never had her pick up a toothbrush. I feel concern for her siblings who will not have an advocate fighting for them the way I fight for my stepdaughter. I feel guilt for not scheduling an appointment for a checkup weeks ago. Now though, I will continue to do everything in my power to make sure my stepdaughter has a healthy mouth, and a healthy life overall.

Coping With New Family Dynamics

It's been a long road. It was five months before we were able to see my stepdaughter, but in February, a temporary custody order was put in place. It opened up a door to a new world, and mediation seems to finally be coming to an end. My stepdaughter has grown to love and trust her father again, and their relationship has bloomed. Sometimes, they are so much a like that it is scary, and I see the way she admires her father. She wants to be like him.

I am proud of my husband for showing her what a devoted daddy looks like, and she is going to have something that many children grow up without: the presence of a loving dad. I know how beneficial this is for both of them. Still, I am having a hard time accepting that as she grows closer to her father, I am pushed to the wayside. On several occasions, this little girl that stole my heart, has made me very aware of the competition she perceives for her father's affection. I am very aware of how normal this behavior is, but being knowledgeable does not necessarily make it hurt less. Now, I get dirty looks, eye rolls, and snide remarks, and it feels like my husband turns a blind eye. Maybe I am not supposed to feel this way, but it can be heart-wrenching to have her close to me, and yet distant.

Sweetie, we're taking your mommy to court...

It has been three and a half months since my husband and I have seen my stepdaughter. Every day gets harder. As more time passes, the more often I find myself looking through her drawers and her closets just to feel her presence. While shopping, we rarely leave a store without something we have picked up for my stepdaughter, and the presents that she did not receive on Christmas OR her birthday can only be re-arranged in so many ways.

Ten days from today, we'll have attended a motion hearing to get placement of my stepdaughter. I want people to understand, more than anything, that she is my one and only concern when it comes to this custody case. My only wish in this is to walk away knowing that this precious child is being cared for properly. I know the reputation that surrounds cases where a man is trying to get custody of their child; most of the time parents are simply fighting for control, fighting for a child out of spite for the other parent. I beg you to hear me when I say this: I only want my stepdaughter to be safe and happy. Is it too much to ask her mother to get this 8 year old child out of diapers? Is it too much to ask her mother to remove this child from the home of a abusive man. Her protection is the only reason her father and I began this "battle," and believe me, I know her mother will fight us the whole way.

Enter The Lawyers

My husband and I have talked many times about hiring an attorney. Before we ever got married, we had discussed what it would take to hire one. Still, money isn't the most readily available resource in our lives which has kept us from hiring one sooner. We wanted to hire one back in early 2013 when we handed my stepdaughter's mom a check to get her an eye exam and glasses, but instead she showed up with Kwik-Stop spectacles on her face that were only causing more damage to her eyes. We discussed hiring a lawyer each and every time our seven-year-old girl showed up in a soiled DIAPER over the past eleven months.  We also discussed hiring a lawyer in August when we were informed babygirl had missed her first week, and several more days of school since there is a history of her bio-mom not sending the kids to school. Money kept us from doing what we knew was necessary. We had to sit back and watch as my stepdaughter was dragged from an abusive home in Florida to an abusive household in Wisconsin to the battered women's shelter to the one bedroom apartment in Lake Geneva and to yet another man's house. All these homes in only a year and a half. I asked myself constantly, "What can I do to make this stop," but I felt being patient with my stepdaughter and being consistent in her life as a healthy role model was all I could do at the time. I considered contacting DCFS many times, and I kick myself everyday for not following through. I was just so scared that I may lose the privilege of seeing her that I hesitated. I knew that there was no court appointed visitation rights, which meant that the minute my husband or I stirred the pot, we would be banned from seeing his daughter. I have lived in fear the last eleven months that if we make one wrong move, her mother would take away any time with her dad and me, and there were many times she threatened it.

We have been lucky thus far, being able to see my stepdaguther every other weekend since December. Plus, in the summer my husband and her mother planned to let her stay for the summer, and although it ended up taking longer for babygirl (and her mom) to adjust, we were able to have her every other week instead.

Now though, my biggest fear has become a reality; my husband was told he is not allowed to see his daughter.Tuesday morning my husband and I called his daughter's school because we were concerned about her attendance and have noticed that she has been wetting herself frequently. Yesterday, Wednesday, her mother sent my husband a text threatening that she would have three attorneys contacting him and that we had better be prepared. Now, though, we are in a better place financially, and what she did not know is that before we called the school we had already contacted a lawyer. We made the decision when I received a call from my lovely little girl Monday night and she said neither she, nor any of her siblings, had gone to school and they would not be going the following day. Enough was enough. My stepdaughter is a smart, bright, enthusiastic child and her education and health are not to be taken lightly. When her mom heard her tell me about her absences over the phone I heard her mother stumbling over her words in the background, "They don't care about that, don't tell them that... that gets us in trouble..." and then the phone hung up. I called back just to let my stepdaughter know I love her, and I hope she goes back to school soon. I could hear her mom coaching her to tell me how the phone had "died." My heart broke, yet again. My husband and I called DCFS that night as well, but it was late and there was nobody available to take our report, so we called the school the following morning. I do not know what they told my stepdaughter's bio-mom. Did she get in trouble for the absences, or did they simply inform her of the conversation we had with them?

Now, we wait. I try not to think about how long it may be before we get see our sweet girl again, because it only hurts. I know though, that when it is all said and done, we will be in a better position. My husband will have his rights, and nobody will be able to take those away. Someday, my stepdaughter will know that we only care about her and her well-being. Eventually, she will understand that we are not out to "bash" her mom, we are looking out for HER best interest. No matter what lies I can only imagine her mother is telling her about us now...

Equal rights for EVERYONE, Dad's too!

The family court system is sexist. It is old-fashioned and needs to enter the 21st century. It is so frustrating to me that the court systems can deny someone custodial rights because they are a man. It seems outdated to assume that a child is better off with a person simply because they have the label "mother." Fathers are equally as important to a child's rearing, yet a court can say a child is best to be left with his mother even if she is slightly neglectful.

If you search an online search engine for father's custodial resources you find plenty of links explaining how important it is to pay child support, but where are the resources for men who need help getting their child out of abusive or neglectful circumstances? Get with the times! Every day we hear about equal rights for women, but where is the fight for men who deserve a chance to prove they are just as capable of being loving and supporting of their child.

A Mutual Respect That's NOT So Mutual

My mother set a high standard for me when it came to step-families. Growing up I assumed that it was normal for step-parents to have a good relationship with biological parents, because she made it seem easy to get along with my step-mothers.  My mom taught me that it was important to have open lines of communication with a step-parent because we all only want one thing; we want what is best for a child. At least, that is how it should be. I learned quickly though, that is not usually the case, and my step-moms had it easy. I have found, through talking to other step-parents, that envy, pride, and selfish notions can often take precedence over the child's needs. I often feel very disappointed that, try as I may, my stepdaughter's mother simply does not want to communicate with me in a healthy way. Perhaps she just doesn't know how to express her own feelings, but that seems like a lousy excuse to me.

Recently, I've found that no matter how hard I try to communicate with her, it will only be used against me. I suppose I should not be surprised, but is discouraging nonetheless to find that she has mocked me and my concern for my stepdaughter. One instance in particular, she made fun of me for asking her to check the little girl for ticks after a recent camping trip during a time when ticks have been more prevalent than ever. It is not at all that my feelings were hurt; she is free to choose not to like me, but it causes great concern when my stepdaughter returns to tell me, "My mom said I don't need it."

I can say, however, that the matter has improved since the weekend I showed up and she literally slammed the door in my face. There are times her mother seems to be opening up to me or becoming more comfortable with me, but in typical biomom spirit, she will quickly turn it into a series of texts or phone calls telling me how incompetent my husband is, or how poor of a father he has been because he "ignores phone calls" from my stepdaughter. I assure you that, although he may not be an expert in child psychology and can sometimes use a helping hand, he is a loving father who would give his daughter anything she asked. It is usually the other way around, in that we can not reach her.

It leaves me feeling angry with my stepdaughter's mother, when all I want is to be treated the way my mother treated my step-moms: with respect as a human, as a fellow woman, and as a role-model to a child.  I continue, though, to respect her as the biological mother of a little girl I hold dear to my heart, and I continue to work hard at tearing down any walls that may begin to build up between us. For my stepdaughter's sake, I continue to put myself out there, even when she mocks me to my own husband, because I have to try, if only for the girl I love.