A Mutual Respect That's NOT So Mutual

My mother set a high standard for me when it came to step-families. Growing up I assumed that it was normal for step-parents to have a good relationship with biological parents, because she made it seem easy to get along with my step-mothers.  My mom taught me that it was important to have open lines of communication with a step-parent because we all only want one thing; we want what is best for a child. At least, that is how it should be. I learned quickly though, that is not usually the case, and my step-moms had it easy. I have found, through talking to other step-parents, that envy, pride, and selfish notions can often take precedence over the child's needs. I often feel very disappointed that, try as I may, my stepdaughter's mother simply does not want to communicate with me in a healthy way. Perhaps she just doesn't know how to express her own feelings, but that seems like a lousy excuse to me.

Recently, I've found that no matter how hard I try to communicate with her, it will only be used against me. I suppose I should not be surprised, but is discouraging nonetheless to find that she has mocked me and my concern for my stepdaughter. One instance in particular, she made fun of me for asking her to check the little girl for ticks after a recent camping trip during a time when ticks have been more prevalent than ever. It is not at all that my feelings were hurt; she is free to choose not to like me, but it causes great concern when my stepdaughter returns to tell me, "My mom said I don't need it."

I can say, however, that the matter has improved since the weekend I showed up and she literally slammed the door in my face. There are times her mother seems to be opening up to me or becoming more comfortable with me, but in typical biomom spirit, she will quickly turn it into a series of texts or phone calls telling me how incompetent my husband is, or how poor of a father he has been because he "ignores phone calls" from my stepdaughter. I assure you that, although he may not be an expert in child psychology and can sometimes use a helping hand, he is a loving father who would give his daughter anything she asked. It is usually the other way around, in that we can not reach her.

It leaves me feeling angry with my stepdaughter's mother, when all I want is to be treated the way my mother treated my step-moms: with respect as a human, as a fellow woman, and as a role-model to a child.  I continue, though, to respect her as the biological mother of a little girl I hold dear to my heart, and I continue to work hard at tearing down any walls that may begin to build up between us. For my stepdaughter's sake, I continue to put myself out there, even when she mocks me to my own husband, because I have to try, if only for the girl I love.