It's easy to write when I am angry, the words spilling out of me
faster than my fingers can move across the keyboard. It is even easier
to yell and point fingers while someone else takes the blame. It is
easiest, however, to bury and ignore it; it is easiest to curl up alone
under the blankets and hate the world around me.
When
the disappointment sets in, I do all I can not to shatter the things
around me in the same manner my heart shattered. The lack of control I
have in the situation tears me apart, and I spend hours upon hours
trying to find a way to fix everything. Maybe it is not just about the
young girl whose hand I want to hold to guide her through this miserable
scary life. Perhaps this is not simply about the daughter I inherited,
but more about the things I have to learn to accept.
I
do not always know how I feel, but I know I feel lost now. I often find
myself standing in a room that is supposed to be my own feeling tempted.
I feel tempted to tear it all down, the pictures and the curtains. I
feel tempted to destroy the bed and the rug and anything that shines. I
know I feel judged, and although I am judged by others, no one is as
cruel of a judge as I am.
I don't know you, but reading your blogs is like reading the story of the past 3 years of my life. I am a "soon to be" step parent. Engaged to a father of two. Two different moms, but the mother of his 6 year old daughter is hell to deal with. You're stories are very very similar to my own. So nice to see I'm not the only "step parent" fighting for children we did not birth. :)
ReplyDelete