Enter The Lawyers

My husband and I have talked many times about hiring an attorney. Before we ever got married, we had discussed what it would take to hire one. Still, money isn't the most readily available resource in our lives which has kept us from hiring one sooner. We wanted to hire one back in early 2013 when we handed my stepdaughter's mom a check to get her an eye exam and glasses, but instead she showed up with Kwik-Stop spectacles on her face that were only causing more damage to her eyes. We discussed hiring a lawyer each and every time our seven-year-old girl showed up in a soiled DIAPER over the past eleven months.  We also discussed hiring a lawyer in August when we were informed babygirl had missed her first week, and several more days of school since there is a history of her bio-mom not sending the kids to school. Money kept us from doing what we knew was necessary. We had to sit back and watch as my stepdaughter was dragged from an abusive home in Florida to an abusive household in Wisconsin to the battered women's shelter to the one bedroom apartment in Lake Geneva and to yet another man's house. All these homes in only a year and a half. I asked myself constantly, "What can I do to make this stop," but I felt being patient with my stepdaughter and being consistent in her life as a healthy role model was all I could do at the time. I considered contacting DCFS many times, and I kick myself everyday for not following through. I was just so scared that I may lose the privilege of seeing her that I hesitated. I knew that there was no court appointed visitation rights, which meant that the minute my husband or I stirred the pot, we would be banned from seeing his daughter. I have lived in fear the last eleven months that if we make one wrong move, her mother would take away any time with her dad and me, and there were many times she threatened it.

We have been lucky thus far, being able to see my stepdaguther every other weekend since December. Plus, in the summer my husband and her mother planned to let her stay for the summer, and although it ended up taking longer for babygirl (and her mom) to adjust, we were able to have her every other week instead.

Now though, my biggest fear has become a reality; my husband was told he is not allowed to see his daughter.Tuesday morning my husband and I called his daughter's school because we were concerned about her attendance and have noticed that she has been wetting herself frequently. Yesterday, Wednesday, her mother sent my husband a text threatening that she would have three attorneys contacting him and that we had better be prepared. Now, though, we are in a better place financially, and what she did not know is that before we called the school we had already contacted a lawyer. We made the decision when I received a call from my lovely little girl Monday night and she said neither she, nor any of her siblings, had gone to school and they would not be going the following day. Enough was enough. My stepdaughter is a smart, bright, enthusiastic child and her education and health are not to be taken lightly. When her mom heard her tell me about her absences over the phone I heard her mother stumbling over her words in the background, "They don't care about that, don't tell them that... that gets us in trouble..." and then the phone hung up. I called back just to let my stepdaughter know I love her, and I hope she goes back to school soon. I could hear her mom coaching her to tell me how the phone had "died." My heart broke, yet again. My husband and I called DCFS that night as well, but it was late and there was nobody available to take our report, so we called the school the following morning. I do not know what they told my stepdaughter's bio-mom. Did she get in trouble for the absences, or did they simply inform her of the conversation we had with them?

Now, we wait. I try not to think about how long it may be before we get see our sweet girl again, because it only hurts. I know though, that when it is all said and done, we will be in a better position. My husband will have his rights, and nobody will be able to take those away. Someday, my stepdaughter will know that we only care about her and her well-being. Eventually, she will understand that we are not out to "bash" her mom, we are looking out for HER best interest. No matter what lies I can only imagine her mother is telling her about us now...

Equal rights for EVERYONE, Dad's too!

The family court system is sexist. It is old-fashioned and needs to enter the 21st century. It is so frustrating to me that the court systems can deny someone custodial rights because they are a man. It seems outdated to assume that a child is better off with a person simply because they have the label "mother." Fathers are equally as important to a child's rearing, yet a court can say a child is best to be left with his mother even if she is slightly neglectful.

If you search an online search engine for father's custodial resources you find plenty of links explaining how important it is to pay child support, but where are the resources for men who need help getting their child out of abusive or neglectful circumstances? Get with the times! Every day we hear about equal rights for women, but where is the fight for men who deserve a chance to prove they are just as capable of being loving and supporting of their child.

A Mutual Respect That's NOT So Mutual

My mother set a high standard for me when it came to step-families. Growing up I assumed that it was normal for step-parents to have a good relationship with biological parents, because she made it seem easy to get along with my step-mothers.  My mom taught me that it was important to have open lines of communication with a step-parent because we all only want one thing; we want what is best for a child. At least, that is how it should be. I learned quickly though, that is not usually the case, and my step-moms had it easy. I have found, through talking to other step-parents, that envy, pride, and selfish notions can often take precedence over the child's needs. I often feel very disappointed that, try as I may, my stepdaughter's mother simply does not want to communicate with me in a healthy way. Perhaps she just doesn't know how to express her own feelings, but that seems like a lousy excuse to me.

Recently, I've found that no matter how hard I try to communicate with her, it will only be used against me. I suppose I should not be surprised, but is discouraging nonetheless to find that she has mocked me and my concern for my stepdaughter. One instance in particular, she made fun of me for asking her to check the little girl for ticks after a recent camping trip during a time when ticks have been more prevalent than ever. It is not at all that my feelings were hurt; she is free to choose not to like me, but it causes great concern when my stepdaughter returns to tell me, "My mom said I don't need it."

I can say, however, that the matter has improved since the weekend I showed up and she literally slammed the door in my face. There are times her mother seems to be opening up to me or becoming more comfortable with me, but in typical biomom spirit, she will quickly turn it into a series of texts or phone calls telling me how incompetent my husband is, or how poor of a father he has been because he "ignores phone calls" from my stepdaughter. I assure you that, although he may not be an expert in child psychology and can sometimes use a helping hand, he is a loving father who would give his daughter anything she asked. It is usually the other way around, in that we can not reach her.

It leaves me feeling angry with my stepdaughter's mother, when all I want is to be treated the way my mother treated my step-moms: with respect as a human, as a fellow woman, and as a role-model to a child.  I continue, though, to respect her as the biological mother of a little girl I hold dear to my heart, and I continue to work hard at tearing down any walls that may begin to build up between us. For my stepdaughter's sake, I continue to put myself out there, even when she mocks me to my own husband, because I have to try, if only for the girl I love.

She was gone as quickly as she came

I should have known better than to trust my stepdaughter's mom when she told us we could take her for the summer. I should have kept my expectations in check, but holding that sweet hand melted my heart and made me forget that there could be any other lifestyle. Cuddling with my sweet little girl before bed, entranced by the bedtime story, watching as her beautiful lashes fluttered until she finally gave into sleep, I forgot that I had known any other way.

It was two weeks before her mother decided to call her daughter, and as soon as she did we were back to square one. I want nothing more than to protect her from the harm she is subjected to while in her mother's care. I need to know she is safe...

They Long to Be Close to You

It's easy to write when I am angry, the words spilling out of me faster than my fingers can move across the keyboard. It is even easier to yell and point fingers while someone else takes the blame. It is easiest, however, to bury and ignore it; it is easiest to curl up alone under the blankets and hate the world around me.

When the disappointment sets in, I do all I can not to shatter the things around me in the same manner my heart shattered. The lack of control I have in the situation tears me apart, and I spend hours upon hours trying to find a way to fix everything. Maybe it is not just about the young girl whose hand I want to hold to guide her through this miserable scary life. Perhaps this is not simply about the daughter I inherited, but more about the things I have to learn to accept.

I do not always know how I feel, but I know I feel lost now. I often find myself standing in a room that is supposed to be my own feeling tempted. I feel tempted to tear it all down, the pictures and the curtains. I feel tempted to destroy the bed and the rug and anything that shines. I know I feel judged, and although I am judged by others, no one is as cruel of a judge as I am.

This Is For You, My Love

I married the love of my life a short four months ago in November. I was well aware when I "met" him, that he had a six year old daughter with a woman who tortured me in high school. Adolescence is hard, but having a schizophrenic, deeply disturbed and depressed teenage girl set her sights on you can make it especially miserable. I was threatened, stalked, and bullied by her on a regular basis. It was purely coincidental when she ended up in the same town I happened to be in a thousand miles away from Freeport, Illinois where we grew up.

 I knew I loved my husband from the moment I first saw him. I was fourteen years old and I knew he was the only one to understand me for who I really was. Of course, fifteen year old boys do not usually recognize a woman's worth, which is why it was another ten years before we would "meet" again. You can not control the hearts desires and although I fought a good fight, I was swept away by his charm.

Still, with love comes responsibility, and my love for my husbnad proved no exception. I knew he and his other high school girlfriend had a six year daughter; I loved the little girl before I met her. I found myself scouring the internet for girls' bedroom sets and was constantly distracted by the "little girls" sections while shopping for a young girl I had never met, but I knew that someday I would be able to show her what "Step mom" can really mean. I knew that I would come to show her that the label is just that- a label. I could be her friend, her confidante, and I looked forward to that. I also knew, however, that her mother would make that incredibly difficult for me.

I tried to prepare myself for the misery her mother would unleash on my happy little daydream, but I never imagined it could be this bad...

This is my story, my tale of a journey through the world of "step-motherhood. " Even more, this is my salute to women all over the world that take on the difficult task of balancing past and present relationships, that choose to love and show compassion when it was not required of them, and that constantly offer up themselves no matter how difficult. This is my homage to my Alivia, a little girl that may not necessarily know how much or why I love her, and a young woman who has brightened my world. This is for my stepdaughter.